It is challenging when everyone around you can do something you cannot. In my case, it is the simple act of moving my fingers and the positive emotions that are created when I take time to write. Even though I know I will recover this ability, as I write after the fact I willingly admit now that “I was beleaguered and bitter, totally consumed by envy,” (Psalm 73.21)
It is an interesting way to start a new chapter. Frustration ferments, the residual pain from a recent reconstruction surgery grows, and a sense of overwhelming darkness dominates. Even though my mind knows that the trigger will not last, my emotional self cannot see past the immediate! As I struggle to deal with the challenge of what I do not have, at least for the moment, I realize that the struggle of faith based on hope for the future is a recurring one in my life as well as others around me.
One must be warned. Living in the present does not eliminate life’s challenges; it brings it squarely into focus! Not being able to move my fingers is challenging, however Life whispers gently and reminds me of the elephants in the room that I often try to ignore. Acknowledging that one has doubts, real, fundamental, at the core doubts about certain things can seem like an invitation to let Darkness take charge. When I muster to the courage to move beyond my fear, I am consistently surprised by how the questions find their context and place. There are questions in my life that appear to be in alliance with evil, defying my ability to connect them with answers. While I am not sure they will ever be answers, I do know that the struggle and question to deal with them enriches my actions and convictions that compassionate living is part of my primary calling.
I may not be able to move my fingers, but I can live out compassion. This calling, along with everything that comes with it, is one of life’s greatest gifts.