As long as I can remember, I have struggled to see God’s face and know the reality of a relationship with him. I can recall good days, high moments of ecstasy, as well as times of complete despair. I know of hours, maybe days, that people considered me spiritual; but I always knew the struggle and blackness within. There are those who share my journey. For those and others who are God’s eyes, ears, hands, and voice I am profoundly grateful.
I look around and find that it is too easy to believe that my spiritual clothes are cleaner, brighter, or stronger. On days like today, I find myself fully aware of the holes and rips that God himself takes the time to cover and work on mending. I do not know how strongly to put this: we share the same wardrobe with God.
I can hear our conversation already.
“I know that all God’s commands are spiritual, but I’m not. Isn’t this also your experience?”
“Yes. I’m full of myself – after all, I’ve spent a long time in sin’s prison. What I don’t understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise.” (Romans 7.16)
The noose of pride, arrogance, and ego show up when I least expect them. Even if I am able to keep them in check the moment pressures or opportunities show up, I quickly turn towards self-dependency and reliance! The cycle is broken as I turn faith to God. It is in seeking him and the Spirit’s grasp, that I find peace and purpose.
“But I am not spiritual!”
“Not to worry, neither am I! You and I are both spiritual if we define the meaning as turning to God; we will never be if it means arriving as our destinations as perfect spiritual beings in this lifetime.”
God fully understands our weaknesses and self-dependencies. God does not like it – he hates the results – and he loves you and me. God is mysterious, wonderful, and life changing, if we chose him.