In the natural order of things, there are always two sides. The world always seems to be them versus us. Everyone one looks the scene is under replay; parents versus kids, kids versus kids, employees versus bosses, consumer versus seller, and even law versus freedom. Competition, winning, and survival all find themselves at the altar wondering who is going to be sacrificed so the winner can move ahead.
I am not sure where I discovered the will to compete. I do know when it was refined: Dallas, 1979, corporate training. As much as the SED group I was a part of acted as a community, individual survival was all that mattered. Everything else took second place. While we helped each other, it was our results that captured our primary focus. The only person I could depend on was on the inside.
I have come to appreciate and fear what happened that Christmas in Dallas. I survived and went on to experience more success than I ever imagined. Yet there was a hidden price extracted from my soul. The scar that remains requires constant attention, frequent reminders, and often a helping hand. I came away convinced that my god was my God.
I have come to appreciate the role Divinity plays in my life. While I know I can be disciplined, I also know that failure is merely a matter of time. Divinity will not fail. As I experience the joys of hard work, I also know the limits of my ability. Peace and ultimate recreation will always be beyond my grasp and within Divinity’s hand. Even as I struggle to let myself be in community, God offers me a gentle reminder; “Your Maker is your bridegroom, his name, God-of-the-Angel-Armies! Your Redeemer is The Holy of Israel, known as God of the whole earth.” (Isaiah 54.5)
As much as I still try to fight my battles, I know that I will always end up on one side or another. In the end, is it self versus community, evil versus truth, and god versus God. I choose God.
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