There is an event scheduled. Even before I knew the date, I knew I was not on the invitation list. In all the ways that count, I am ok with this. I am not A listed for this event, I am B. Although I feel ok with it, the self examination triggered an expanded reflection of the various lists I find myself on or not as the situation may be.
There are three different categories of the different lists. First, a place where I am confident and comfortable with where I stand. The second are places where I know where I am but it is not where I want or need to be. The third is a place of uncertainty. I am always not sure about rank or belonging. Life reminds me that the first is comfortable, second is actionable, and the third is a hell of my creation.
I find it helpful to review each from time to time along the following lines.
In places of comfort, there is a reflective question asking for attention. Does my comfort come from an alignment between values, priorities, and aspirations and where I stand, or is it something else?
When I want to be somewhere I am not, higher on the list or simply knowing where I stand, change is required. The change could be on the part of others, however more often than not the change required is within. As I wrestle with what to do, questions remain unanswered. Have I asked myself why? Am I striving for something better or sliding into a comfort zone? When I long for more, am I looking for and willing to accept help?
I would love to tell you that I am always certain of my standing with Divinity. There are days when I am and then there are others. As my work in this space continues, I know a place where I can begin – asking for help; “Put me on your [Divinity’s] salvation agenda; take notes on the trouble I’m in.” (Psalm 88.2) It is good to walk together.
