The outcome of my choice was ugly. There was and is no way to escape this conclusion. One can describe the distance between my aspiration and what transpired and the conclusion will remain the same. There is an obvious disconnect between my aspirations and values and the reality that unfolded. Whatever spin one might try to put on the result, it will remain what it first was – ugly.
If this was the first time I had found myself in this position, then I could have explained the natural response of rationalization. Excuses, naivety, and inadvertent steps would have all come into play. As it is, I have been there, done that, and know better.
I know I am not the first. As I listened to a friend’s story from the other day, it was as if someone was pulling a memory trigger. Even though I had no desire to go there, a painful replay of images, sounds, and emotions followed. The only redeeming part of the experience was my realization that there was a commitment deep within me to never go down that path again!
As I struggled with the memories that refused to leave, I found myself listening the promise a psalmist left for anyone willing to listen. “And as far as sunrise is from sunset, he [Divinity] has separated us from our sins.” (Psalm 103.12) Lessons I find myself embracing with renewed commitment include the following.
The connection I have with my past is as tight or loose as I allow it to be. The good news is that there is a universal and unconditional promise from divinity that says I get to be in control. The bad news is that I am in control! I choose.
Even though I put myself and others in harm’s way, everyone emerged safely, ready for another day. The challenging question is one of learning. Life reminds me that each day and in each moment there is a choice. A mantra of never forgetting while forgiving is, for me, the way to ensure that the learning sticks.
