In a world where the rules of war have seemingly evolved to “no rules” and “anything is ok as long as it is aimed at the desired outcome”, our engagements are not well defined. The scenario of friends acting in a destructive way has a name you can find in the Cambridge English Dictionary, “frenemy”. Are there guidelines on how one should respond while staying true to the principles of kindness, care, and compassion?
As I struggle with how I should respond, several old lessons are coming into focus.
Although we have a new name for it, the problem is old. Even in the lament of a psalmist prayer, you hear him describing a modern behavior as one “who [will] lie through their teeth, who shake your hand then knife you in the back.” (Psalm 144.8). I know one feels one is the first to experience this, however the stories and examples are found in replays across history.
Pretending that frenemies cannot or do not hurt one’s heart and mind is an act of dishonesty. Individuals can and do hurt another, even or especially friends. Knowing and accepting the hurt allows one to form a response intention. I know a shot I get every Monday is going to sting. I choose to go through the process because it is part of my choice in moving towards health. Frenemies are part of life. Being able to recognize the behavior and making a choice to hold onto one’s values is essential to being intentional in one’s action.
The principles of care and kindness are not secondary to the heart of living and the battles which come along with it. One can be compassionate and smart. One can be kind while being protective of one’s heart and mind. One can be caring even in the knowledge that the other has a knife and the intent of using it against you. Going into battle is never an excuse to leave one’s heart and principles behind. The battle cry is a cry to embrace love when the situation needs it most.
