We stumbled across the San Juan Bautista Catholic Church in Duran New Mexico in the middle of the day. The front door was unlocked. By all accounts, the church was open. As I walked in, other than the sound of the wind by the door, there was an overwhelming absence of anyone present. I was alone with religion’s symbols except for sounds within my head.
It was eerily familiar. It took me a moment to recognise when I had been in this place. I had never felt as alone as I did in doubt during periods of formal spiritual leadership. Pastoring a church is difficult, even more so with one’s fears, uncertainties, and doubts. Looking back, I am not sure who I could have turned to. I listened to the emotions of others on similar journeys, only to feel alone and adrift. I knew individuals who cared, but something was missing. Candidly, I did not feel I was “qualified to guide others through their blind alleys and dark nights and confused emotions to God.” (Romans 2.20)
Today I am replaying a fresh version of going into the unknown. There is a massive difference. In my fear, uncertainty, and doubt, I know that there are others standing with me. The difference is profound. In this awareness, I find myself echoing Life’s whispers.
Others are facing their futures with overwhelming fears, uncertainties, and doubts. Together, we can stand together, arm in arm. Walking with and for each other, we can face the future as a united front.
In the battle with doubt, my answer is found not in a fight, but in an embrace. Struggling with the darkness is, for me, not the answer. My answer is found in looking at the future through the eyes of hope.
With the silence, everything changes when I choose to listen to the thoughts and prayers offered on my behalf. Even those I missed hearing years ago, today is an opportunity to ride on their wings.
It may seem as if no one is here. In truth, my heart is full.
