The is something wonderfully miserable about being flat on the floor, at least metaphorically. It can feel good to feel miserable. As horrible and things are, the fact that one feels terrible is, in its own way, something that brings a sense of satisfaction. There are so many mixed emotions. Fear mixed with sadness. Regret comingled with loss. A belief that there was at one thing that could have been done but was not to turn the corner. When I top this with a wrap of lament and prostration, there is a weirdly good feeling of enjoying my personal darkness.
I realize that I do not want my lament to end. How do I face a reality that I cannot predict? What do I do with my fears, uncertainties, and doubts? Instead of moving, perhaps just reveling in the darkness is a better answer.
In my heart I know darkness is never the final answer. There is more. In whatever form light might take, it is within reach if I am willing to believe. I hear the stories of others before me; “you called out to God in your desperate condition; he got you out in the nick of time.” (Psalm 107.28) Could this be true in my case as well? If so, do I really want this outcome?
With time and experience, I confess that I no longer know if every event is good or bad. What has seemed good often turns out to be a curse. Wonderful events morph into disasters. Good mixed with bad, wonder with fear, and moments where it is hard to judge.
I do know that we are called to be engaged in the moment. We may not understand why we are where we are, but there is something that can be learned and done in the moment that is now. In whatever terms we want to use, we are called to live.
When life hits, we are challenged to get up and face the world, again! We not need to stay flat on the floor, we can rise again.
