There is a fragile edge within. While the degree of exposure varies from obvious to everyone to only revealed in the dark night of the soul, even the strongest among us has a fragile edge to their self-esteem. In recently retelling a story from my early days as a systems engineer, I found myself rediscovering a moment when I believed I could do anything in a work context. Deliver on time, no matter how impossible the deadline? Yes. Solve the problem that had left others baffled? Not an issue. Come in on budget, regardless of how much was beyond your ability to control? Of course!
I have not thought of this chapter for a long time. I find myself looking for the lessons which emerged then in the hope of gifting the outcomes to others. Looking back, I can see the following.
In the chaos and uncertainties of a very stressful period of my life, I knew others believed in me. The belief was not aspirational. With every fiber of my being, I know “they” believed. I understood that their belief in me was greater than my own. During an especially intense period, their confidence and support lifted me in ways I never imagined. I realized my greatest challenge was to accept and embrace confidence. When I did, my view of myself changed.
There was an honesty in the dialogue I was having with others during this chapter which is frightening. No subject was off limits! Good and bad, easy and hard, it was all on the table. As I recall, I remember highs and lows. The lows echoed a psalm, “All we are is a puff of air; we’re like shadows in a campfire.” (Psalm 144.4) The highs were always within sight of the lows. It was in this clear air that I discovered courage and belief.
It might sound as if this chapter was a step into a new life. It ended with a spectacular burnout and meltdown. My understanding of the edge and my foundation was born in the recovery which followed.
