One does not always choose who comes through the gates and into one’s life. With touch points endlessly expanding, social media directed to us, unsolicited text messages, and emails each have a way of getting through the filters and into our minds. While we can man the gates, the question of sealing them has already been answered. We will be touched, even when we think we have walled everything up to the maximum.
As I have been drawn into dealing with various responses, from one person’s body language on a conference call to how someone reads an innocent question, there are lessons to be considered.
While I was initially critical of others, two observations checked my response. First, I remembered how many times I have responded without confirming my interpretation was correct. The connection between assumed context and bad outcomes is uncomfortably high! Second, memories of misunderstanding which somehow emerged when there should have been plenty of tools to avoid the wrong path. Both sides were physically together. Each trusted the other. Before the negative, there was no indication that things could ever go wrong. And yet, misunderstandings and bad destinations were realities where both required a response.
My lessons I always try to carry with me include the following.
Always start with the premise of positive intent. If there is evidence to the contrary, use this as an opportunity to ask. Be open to the expressed intent of the other. Experience reminds me that this does not mean that there will not be problems. There are problems, just a lot fewer than I imagined.
Unless going to war is the only answer, respond with care, kindness, and love. While there are just wars, they are rare. As negative as words might seem, take the positive role in the relationship.
Get help. It is soul draining to deal with these situations. Embrace the support of others, especially Divinity; “He keeps the peace at your borders, he puts the best bread on your tables.” (Psalm 147.14). Relationships filled with trust and love are food for our souls.
