In theory I know better. After years, decades if I am honest to myself, of experience, I can anticipate what will follow a multiple shot espresso after three in the afternoon. The three stage pattern that always repeats itself is so familiar!
Initially everything is rosy. The warmth and alerts to my senses is familiar and reassuring. Usually I have the drink with friends, so my subconscious seems to anticipate great conversation, little stress, and an overall feeling of belonging in a community. Everything centers on the moment at hand. Hope, confidence, and courage seem to be everywhere I look. There is an absence of warning flags or indicators I should pay attention to.
As life returns to its normal chaotic self, it is easy to get caught up in the flow. I often let the feelings from the time and drink with friends linger while the conversations and focus move on to the immediate and urgent. The outcomes that follow measure the success or lack of for the day. There are no visible or tangible warnings about the road ahead.
As the day comes to a close, my mind is still buzzing. There are things to do, even as I struggle with emotional and physical tiredness. My body cries out for sleep but it cannot let go! My droopy eyes, slow mind, and inability to focus on complexities are strong telltales of my depleted energy levels, but my body refuses to stop. Pushed on by unseen forces, I am an “Insomniac, I twitter away, mournful as a sparrow in the gutter.” (Psalm 102.7)
With eyes that refuse to let go and close, I inevitably enter the stage of fighting for my sanity. I want to sleep but cannot. The dark night of the soul, a battle of hope versus despair, courage and a willingness to fight versus submission and the embrace of defeat, rages.
Eventually sleep comes. The real price will be paid during the day that follows. Invitations to rest, reflect, and recover start with being mindful. I knew and have been reminded, again.
