Everyone has a style, unique and tailored to their preferred ways of doing things. As I am getting to know a new colleague, the advice triggered Life whispers which go beyond the immediate context.
“If I am quiet and appear to be looking in a distant direction in a conversation or meeting, please know it is not that I am disengaged or distracted. I am likely thinking and considering what is being said.”
If one was to describe the difference between a dialogue and a conversation, I suggest one starts with the principle of “listening with the intent of understanding”. Most conversations are so casual that neither party can specifically recall the details of what s/he brought to the table, much less what the others were saying. Heart friendships often start with active listening and a desire to understand.
If one is unsure of a conversation, verbal or non-verbal, ask. Acting without clarity is potentially damaging. It is as if one has let one’s bias determine the result. The mitigation always starts with verbalization, as one looks in the mirror as well as across the table. The reminders in recent events when others have asked for clarity, s/he gives me an opportunity to clarify, and in many cases, apologize for the way my frustration has spilled out and into the conversation at hand.
As difficult as it is, always remember that your emotions are not automatically shared by others. This is not a commentary on difficult emotions. It is a recognition that others may not see or understand why another is emotionally engaged. Bringing the emotions to the table without understanding is an invitation to confusion.
Writers before me had summed up the lesson in different ways. James put it this way; “Post this at all the intersections, dear friends: Lead with your ears, follow up with your tongue, and let anger straggle along in the rear.” (James 1.19).
My wish for myself is that this advice is revealed in my go-to way of engaging and working with others. I find hope within this improved style.
