There are many areas in life where I excel. Waiting is not one of them. In my life, waiting is linked to uncertainty. Uncertainty is where my mind is creatively able to imagine all kinds of negative outcomes. Even though I know my imaginations are exactly what they are, each feels real, tangible, and likely to move from a vague dream to reality without notice.
I would love to tell you how I have addressed my weakness with experience and time. A careful look in the mirror reminds me that my weakness in this area is growing. As much as I want to believe I am in control, the darkness where is lingers is a perfect breeding ground creating uncertainty laced images. My best echoes the psalmist’s words; “My life is on the line before God, my Lord, waiting and watching till morning, waiting and watching till morning.” (Psalm 130.6). My dark side grows even more frustrated and angry with every uncertain moment.
In answer to my silence, life gently reminds me of the following.
The uncertainty I am wrestling with is one of my own creation. While there are reasons by others to not be sure, the harsh reality which I find myself in is the result of my mind taking something and making it much more than it was.
If I assess the various elements in the scenarios I imagine, very few are grounded in facts. There primary pieces are conjecture, threads of bad thinking, and fear. Evidence and experience seem to be hiding. I am not sure if they are present at all.
It is unwise to reach a decision and move to action when one has uncertainty as a foundation. As real as my fears seem in the moment, they are anything but truth. As clear as my dreams can be, I often need to pinch myself as a reminder that they are not real.
Uncertainty maybe a reality, but I do not need to let it control me. Each moment is my opportunity to intentionally step with faith, kindness, and compassion.
