“Doubled up with pain, I call to God all the day long. No Answer. I kept at it all night, tossing and turning.” Psalm 22.2
I head Pat Riley quoted as telling his players that they must, in order to win a championship, want the title more than they want the next breath they breathe. He has, so the story goes, gone on to demonstrate this fact by dunking a player’s head under water for 45 seconds.
Yesterday I puzzled out-loud about the intensity of my management team. How badly to they want to “win” the corporate game? How much do they really want change? How committed are they to the game plan?
Last night I tossed and turned asking myself the same question in regards to my own commitment to God. Given the number of times I recognize my failings, I can only imagine the true number! Is this a sign of my commitment? How can God use such a weak vessel?
The night started much like life. Exhausted from the trip I fell asleep shortly after dinner. Waking slightly I stumbled to bed grasping my evening prayer of commitment. Falling asleep deeply I rested knowing my commitment was sure. Five hours later I awoke in the dark with every doubt and fear creeping up behind me.
Was I committed to this God life? Did I really want a relationship? How much, how far? The morning slipped up while I tried to sleep through alarms. Where was my heart? Where did I want to be?
This is where I want to be, in God’s arms struggling to let Him hold me there. God already knows I am weak. God already knows that I failed yesterday and will fail again today. God reads my heart with the doubts and dreams better than I ever will. Yes, God knows all this and tells me He loves me unconditionally and completely.
There is not much for me to do now. Look up, be changed, rest, hold on, and ride the wave. There is room for you.