You have history. I do to. In our stories there are wonderful excerpts we love to talk about. The ones we naturally like have something positive in them that reflect the best of our ideals and values. Then there are the stories we do not want anyone to hear.
When I think of the stories in my life that I hope are never told, I can admit the following.
I have never counted the number of bad stories in my life. Candidly, I do not want to know.
I have a history of mistakes and blunders that some find funny. In a few, I can laugh with them. For most, I relieve the pain and regret born in a moment of stupidity.
I would like to say that I have never repeated the same mistake twice. My stories would indicate that I am a slow learner because some mistakes continue to show themselves.
In the quietness of a dark night, I realize that I am the sum of my stories. Good, bad, and otherwise, they are ones that I have played a role in. In each, I can see that God was present – encouraging me at times, reaching out for me, and even crying with me. I may not have noticed the Presence, yet God was there.
The rhetorical question I find myself left with is – “If God was present, in good times and ugly ones, what am I embarrassed to listen and learn from my story”?
I am what I am. God loves me. God love gives me permission to accept myself as I am in the hope that I can be more. Denial does not need to be a part of my life! I do not need to stand accused. When someone questions me; “Were you Jewish at the time God called you? Don’t try to remove the evidence.” (1 Corinthians 7.18) My answer is to stand tall knowing I am already part of a greater story with God at the center.
Our history is not good or bad. It simply is our story.