I look back at our conversation with a sense of what might have been. I could have done better. I knew my role. I came prepared. I remembered the lessons from the past and used my understanding. I also was left with a sense that there were areas where I could still learn.
I also look back and remember the sense of tears. I do not think it was an act. I doubt that it was planned or calculated. It just happened. In many ways, I know the feeling that I saw painted by each movement. There was more to the story, there had to be. Even though the behavior was professional, the between the lines statements told a different story. It was as if they were saying – “I’m tired of all this – so tired. My bed has been floating forty days and nights on the flood of my tears. My mattress is soaked, soggy with tears.” (Psalm 6.6)
It is easy to leave the moment at hand uncertain and wondering what might have been. If only this. Because of that. I could have. I should have. Whatever the clichés are, it is as if we are caught in a battle that we could be losing or winning. Whatever the outcome is, we are certain we will come away bruised and battered.
My observation with the benefit of time is along the following lines.
Yes, I could have done better in that moment. The same could be said of most moments. Being prepared helps but it does not guarantee that it will be perfect.
I could have also done worse. There are reasons to cry and celebrate – do both with balance and care.
I have an opportunity to learn, grow, and come ready to act in the next moment. Whatever just happened can be used to be better, stronger, and faster in the next.
In today’s dawn, there are patches of dark clouds broken by rays of light. The scene reminds me that moments do not define me, how I use my freedom will.