Our meeting was a an introduction of sorts combined with exploring ideas, asking questions, and asking one’s self if one wanted to speak again. I was excited. There are many reasons we should positively connect. Even in the midst of the blunt questions and challenges, I was relaxed. I noticed my reaction with a sense of puzzlement, pressing on in the moment because it seemed liked the right thing to do.
I look back and wonder. While I do mind being challenged, I cannot say I look forward to it. Yet, as intense and invasive as his questions were, I came away with a sense of hope and possibilities. I was not sure how he would look at our conversation in the context of time. I was certain that however he evaluated the ideas and working with me, that we would talk again. It was as if we both knew something, even in our uncertainty. I think we knew we had met someone we were going to walk with for a long time to come.
At times when I am challenged, I feel as if I am being set-up for something negative. I know my answers do not matter. I want to explain knowing there is little point. A colleague reminded me that it is natural to want to communicate so that others understand. He went on to remind me that certain roles demand that s/he convince the speaker that they have not said enough – more is needed! In these moments, more is not helpful or good.
The contrast sits with me. I look back at two conversations with opposite feelings. On one extreme, I am part of a cause, committed to a purpose. In the other, I am exhausted. I wish I could leave them with the candid response that will not leave my mind; “I’m no good to you dead, am I? I can’t sing in your choir if I’m buried in some tomb!” (Psalm 6.5)
In today’s dawn, I realize that the only difference between the conversations is the context I gave them.
