Often I catch my mouth engaged while my head watches in stunned silence. I am saying things that I cannot be find in my soul. The sounds, nuances, and body language are clearly my own, but they are not. I know I am going to regret the future, but I cannot seem to help myself. My words flow in frustration, even anger. My heart overflows with emotions, often sadness mixed with anger. Everything is in motion, regardless of what the rest of me thinks or wants to do about it. In the end, I find myself struggling to fix and mend the tattered pieces of a relationship.
Having been through this process more times than I care to admit, the greatest challenge is to communicate how I feel about our relationship and the individual. It sounds easy, but their experience is screaming that what I am talking about could not be true given recent events. The mechanical side of things is straight forward, but nothing is easy when it touches one’s heart. My actions have battered and bruised their soul. Physically, they are not as strong as they were before I started. Pain, anguish, and heartache take a toll on everyone they touch.
Sadly, it is the last statement that haunts me most. It is not just my actions. It is how I react to the world around me. Every life struggles with more pain, anguish, and heartache than they can handle; it is overwhelming. No matter what the intent, life hurts.
I find that I lash out at every source of pain, regardless of their role in it. Someone on the subway caused me to stumble and hurt myself. Careless words gave birth to real anguish. God is ultimately responsible. Divinity is accountable for my pain.
To the souls I have hurt, to myself in the night’s darkness, I remind each of God’s words and the words I aspire to share from my soul. “Dear servant Jacob, listen—yes, you, Israel, my personal choice.” (Isaiah 44.1) I love you. I treasure your presence and being.
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