It is interesting to watch one’s self in a meltdown. Bluntly put, it is not pretty. No matter how justified one may feel one is at the time, even as I observe, the foundation is not there. I can feel the emotion. I can hear the candid wish for something bad to happen in my victim’s life. It is as if I am a character on stage paraphrasing an old writer’s lines; “Let their supper be bait in a trap that snaps shut; may their best friends be trappers who’ll skin them alive.” (Psalm 69.22)
Looking back, I wish I had been able to avoid the situation. It was almost as if I subconsciously wanted to be in the scene. In a whispering voice, Life reminds me that many of my worst moments were moments of choice. I was the difference then, I can be the difference in the future.
When I catch myself in the middle of a bad moment, there is an option that I rarely think about in real time. I could stop, visibly catch myself, and change the conversation. Although I am a major contributor to the conversation, paraphrasing Yogi Berra, it is never over until it’s over. One can turn at any point. Cuts often heal faster when one responds while they are still raw.
History is never the last word. There are at least two things we can always do with what is past; learn and be accountable. Life is willing to mentor us using our experiences. Good moments and bad are fodder for our growth. We can also use events and actions as reference points as a foundation for reviewing and taking corrective actions reflecting our values and priorities.
Having secret wishes is part of being human. What one does with them is at the heart of our true values and priorities. Seeing clearly can be difficult but it is a divine act. Doing something with our worst moments reflects our connection with all that is good and right. There is more to secret wishes than the negative.