As another meeting started in an attempt to resolve a long running dispute, I was confident I was prepared. I came knowing I had the key facts memorized. My emotions were in check. The outcome would be what it was; my actions were planned to help, not hinder. At least that was my thoughts before everything started.
In the prelims to the critical conversation, I felt I needed to make a comment. As the words began to flow I realized I was in trouble. The subject was interesting, but not critical or tied to my emotions. With the sound of my first word, I knew the truth. I was in trouble! My controlled emotions were anything but. My anger and frustration were quietly dominated my heart and mind. My damning blessing on a select few was clear, “make them become blind as bats, give them the shakes from morning to night.” (Psalm 69.23)
As I finished my mind raced into the darkness, searching for the larger story. What was going on within me? Were all my preparations a mysterious waste of time?
Letting go is a difficult thing to do, for anyone. I often think I have, while my grip remains tight. I want to forgive, move on, and take the higher path, only to realize there is a big “but” hidden within.
The lessons that I want to remember include the following.
Unless one acknowledges who and what has a grip on one’s heart, nothing is going to change.
It is never enough to let go, by whatever method one might choose. Something needs to grip our hearts and minds. Choosing and embracing is critical to replace what was.
Letting others know about the challenge and allowing them to help is a good idea. I know my feeling of vulnerability grows when I do this, yet each time I do, good things happen.
In the meeting that potentially was going south, we ended with a positive outcome. I could have been better and stronger, but the right outcome was achieved. What lingers now is goodness.